Welcome to the Official
Jades Pool Team Website launched in
January 2004. The Jades have been around (in different incarnations) since
1996 and compete in the
Stone and
District Pool League. Feast your
eyes why don't you on the explicit reportage displayed below, latest
events listed first for your convenience. |
Ondich To Sue Jades
Journalist (8.3.07)
 Following
last weeks’ report legendary former ‘Raging Slab’ drummer Phil Ondich has
issued a scathing attack on The Jades journalistic team. During an
exclusive interview in his Kuala Lumpa penthouse he revealed his
conspiracy theory behind recent events.
“I wasn’t even at The Jade Rooms last week, I was doing a gig in Finland
at the time!” he spat “This is just one more example of journalistic
leaching. They just print sensationalistic pap like this to guarantee the
readership. And as for the camera tripod thing, well…..it’s a pure
fabrication. I don’t even like camera tripods. They’re a menace, popping
up everywhere and sapping one’s credibility. I do however like to perform
the occasional rooftop drum solo, particularly in the rain, but this was
certainly not the case in this instance.”
“This Razor fella, or what ever he calls himself, is due a fall. My
solicitor, Mr Manfrangentonson, prepared legal documents to sue and was on
his way to
present them to him but unfortunately he fell from the window of a bus
twice and fractured his pelvis. I decided to make the long journey from
Kuala Lumpa and serve them myself, which I did, but he wasn’t in.”
It was at this point that the interview was cut short due to a commitment Ondich had with a seal colony but as he was leaving he was heard to utter
“Tripods indeed” before disappearing into the night.
We would welcome at this point any comments from The Jade’s spokesman, a
Mr Stat Man to eradicate any further embarrassment. To Mr Ondich we can
only apologise for any misrepresentation. |
Jades Thumping By
Lions Repeated. Repeated (1.3.07)
 Only seven days had passed since the Jades universe was carved in two as
a result of a drubbing at the hands of the Red Lion, and tonight
(Thursday) history repeated itself as they suffered a 5-2 reverse in a cup
match that resulted yet again in our heroes becoming solemn, unsmiling,
sanctimonious old icebergs that look like they are waiting for a vacancy
in Trinity. After levelling the match at 1-1 The Jades looked forward to a
good run but after the capture of the following 2 racks The Lions, fuelled
by the powerful fresh impetus of condemned men reprieved, sailed to
victory without breaking as much as half a bead of sweat.
“These guys are better than this. I could’ve played better pool with my
drumsticks than they did with their cues”, said Phil Ondich, former
drummer with the American hard rock band ‘Raging Slab’ who was preparing
himself for an impromptu midnight rooftop drum solo, proceeds of which
would go to the Royal Society For The Continued Renovation Of Camera
Tripods (RSCRCT*). “They have no confidence, no self-belief, they need to
regroup” He concluded as he shuffled with a huff to his rooftop stage.
This reporter, for one, is nearing insanity’s zenith. Week after damn week
he writes crap like this. For once, can’t The Jades find the inner
strength to allow a report to take a different slant? As in actually
winning a match? I hope so. Bring out the formaldehyde.
*If anyone has bothered to read this far and wishes to contribute to
RSCRCT and adopt a tripod please log-on to
www.rscrct.co.uk.com.org.net.gov
|
Jades Stuffed Again (22.2.07)
 Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are
wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers
because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they
were killed. One would think that nothing could be more annoying really.
One would be incorrect in this assumption……….
Annoying. Now there’s a word. A decent dictionary will tell you that this
means “to cause irritation by troublesome, often repeated acts”. Like
losing a pool match that should have easily been won. Yeah, something
like that would be considered annoying.
A 5-2 loss tonight then. At home. To The Red Lion. Annoying.
“The Jades are on a real downward spiral at the moment. Their heads must
be spinning after this one” uttered a spectacled female spectator sitting
nearby who took a break from reading her weathered copy of Justin Green’s
‘Binky Brown Meets The Holy Virgin Mary’ to comment on events “I dare say
many of you aspiring revolutionaries will conclude that instead of
focussing on topics which would lend themselves to social issues, I have
zeroed in on the petty conflict in my crotch! They need to bloody
focus!!!” she added, her eyes bulging wildly in their sockets due to her
frenzied intensity.
This pool match lark is like a zombie movie in some respects. Every week
our heroes survive the onslaught but the losses jus keep on coming. The
only way forward for The Jades now is to shoot for the head, to shoot to
kill. Preferably before dawn breaks. |
|
Jades Hit An Icy
Patch (8.2.07)
 Christmas is but a distant memory. But it’s still winter and in a scene
reminiscent of a traditional seasonal card, snow descended upon the Jades
snooker hall tonight. Taking advantage of their predicament the Jades,
donned with bobble hats, woolly scarves and thick gloves, craftily
elected to create stand-ins for themselves and rolled uncannily lifelike
snowmen doppelgangers in order to play their games for them.
Enter the Labour in Vain. With their frosty reception and icy stares the
snowmen struck fear into the core of their tepid challengers.
But alas this is where the plan began lose consistency. Snowmen aren’t
that good at Pool. Eyesight limited with their coal for eyes and carrot
noses the snowmen struggled to pot with their sticks for
 arms.
Unfortunately for our sub zero heroes the Labour proceeded to turn up the
heat and swiftly sizzled to a 5-2 victory, as their adversaries were reduced to nothing more than small pools of liquid on the floor.
“It was like witnessing an interglacial period first-hand, but condensed to a matter
of minutes instead of millennia”, said a learned Glaciologist, who having
recently returned from a glacial observation expedition warmed his frigid
hands on the heat emanating from the opposition. “The snowmen just melted
under the pressure, and it’s snow joke”, he added, before leaving on his
toboggan.
Always look forward, never look back someone famous once said, probably,
and hot on the heels of last week’s new signing comes another, the
veritable Mr Williams (aka Hitman) who fresh from a contract mission in
an unspecified location, adds yet another dimension to the already
multifaceted team known as…. The Jades. Let the executions begin. |
|
Flying Start For
Jades Warriors (25.1.07)
 The gap between seasons is a while.
Fact. During this gap two kinds of pool player exist - he who practices
regularly despite match action, and he who picks up his cue only on
occasion. The Jades are players of the latter ilk, tortured souls self
forced into seemingly Napoleonic exile.
Tonight however (Thursday) they defied all the odds as each and every one
of our intrepid little Bohemians
brushed the dust from their cues and journeyed to the Lambourne to
astonish their hosts with an emphatic 4-3 victory.
“What a start for the Jades”, gushed the pub’s in-house gyroscope
calibrator “I know all about how difficult it is maintaining orientation,
based on the principle of conservation of angular momentum and the Jades
managed their gyroscopic inertia in spades, particularly after a lengthy
break.” He added before ensuring the device before him had gimbals of a
free or fixed configuration.
Many thought that the latest disappearance of Andy (Aka Grasshopper) would
fracture their confidence this year, but with their new signing, Mark (Aka
the Bouncer), they seem to have found, yet again, a raw talent that
compliments the team’s persona perfectly. Welcome aboard the ride son.
It’s a wrap. For now. |
|
Premier League 2007
Premier League Pool will be played
on Tuesday evenings throughout the 2007 season. It is an individual
competition for registered players in The Stone & District Pool League.
Entry is £25 and all monies paid in will be paid out in cash prizes, with
the winner of the tournament collecting around 40% of the total pot. Minor
places will also be paid out in cash prizes.
Matches will be on a league or group basis depending upon the number of
entries. The exact format will be decided upon when all entries have been
accepted. The venues will vary on availability.
Players will not have to play all of the nights (probably 6 or 7), and if
they have unavailable dates, they should notify Andy Conner at time of
entry. If there needs to be a restriction on numbers, this will be done of
the number of league wins from the 2006 season.
The dates for Premier League are: March 13th & 27th, May 8th, June 12th &
27th, July 24th & 31st, August 14th & 28th. If a final night is needed,
this will be on Thursday November 29th.
All registrations for this competition should be in by February 28th. It
is the individual’s responsibility to ensure their registration with Andy,
on or before this date. |
|
New
2007 Season
After three years of running the
Jades website has now been joined by an official League website created by
none other than Andy Conner. This site can be accessed at the following
location :- www.stonepoolleague.org Be sure to pay a visit here to find out all
the latest goings on. |
